Devastated and Drowning in Heartbreak

I have been to hell…many times. My hell is not a place, but a state of mind. It’s the experience of your world caving in on you as you’re drowning in fear. I’m talking about heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment, loss of love, loss of loved ones, devastation, inconsolable depression and profound pain. I’ve been there.
As I’ve shared on this blog already, my mother passed away when I was 18, I was in a physically and mentally abusive marriage with a man who cheated on me, having multiple extramarital affairs during our short marriage, and I’ve also anguished in regret and remorse, losing my best friend because of choices I forever wish I could do over.  And there’s much, much more I’ve yet to share.

I know hell. So when I see the signs of others reaching out from hell, my heart breaks for them. I want to reach back. If there is any value in my time on earth, it is in loving, encouraging and lifting up others. This compulsion is never stronger than when I encounter others who are suffering in ways I know all too well. A glance at my analytics report this week revealed the following phrases have led strangers to my blog:

husband leaves for other woman * what the bible says about seeing your husband when he lives with another woman * when he leaves you for another woman *ex husband is moving in with women he had the affair with * husband leaves wife for another woman * when does life get easier after your husband leaves * husband is having an affair * blog divorce husband leaves * when a husband leaves for another woman * husband in love with another woman * when your husband leaves you *life leaves you with no choices

A husband has an affair - cheats on his wife - betrays his wedding vows. A husband decides he no longer wants to be married - leaves his wife for another woman - is in love with another woman. For a devoted wife whose world revolves around such a husband, this is hell. These keyword searches remind me that such pain is so prevalent. They remind me of my pain when on the receiving end of such betrayal. I’ve been to hell, and I survived. I survived.

I didn’t breeze through it. I didn’t pick myself up by the bootstraps and just move on. I didn’t find a miraculous way to overcome such heartbreak. I grieved. I anguished. I mourned. I longed to be loved more than the other woman. I poured out my heart in buckets of tears, crying for hours over months and months, unable to understand why my husband would hurt me like that…why he didn’t love me like he loved the other woman (women)…what was better about the other woman…what did she have that I didn’t have? These thoughts tortured me. TORTURED me. It was all I could do to just survive this walk through hell. I couldn’t see the future; I couldn’t muster up hope for a better life. All I could do was just survive hell. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fast. But eventually, I did move on with my life to come a long, LONG way from that trip to hell.
One Googler asked: “When does life get easier after your husband leaves?” My answer to her is - when your life is no longer focused on that exact question. It takes time, a strong support system and a determination to focus on you. Build yourself up, shift your thinking from your (ex) husband and the pain he caused you to you – a new you – a future in which your focus is on a vision of who you want to be, what you want to do, what you have to offer the world. It may not seem like such a future can exist right now, but just hang in there. Get through this heartbreak. Survive. Then see if this question disappears.

Another Googler typed “When life leaves us with no choices.” This is the epitome of hopelessness. If you feel you have no choices, you’re bound by fear. In my world, fear and hell are synonymous. We always have choices. The only time we feel like we have no choices is when we box ourselves into a certain way of thinking. Having broken free from many a box, I speak from experience. You do have choices, but your fear may be paralyzing you from making choices. The term “think outside the box” is applicable here, but in a unique way. Break free from the chains that bind you. Whenever you feel that “life” leaves you with no choices, you need to look at your life and identify which part of your life is influencing that thinking (emotional, societal, familial, cultural, institutional). Choices are always there. You just may need to break free from old ways of thinking in order to see them. And the truth is, when you’re going through hell, this is the only way to get out.

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

When you get through hell, you made it through. You survived it. You’re on your way to thriving. Out of the ashes, the phoenix rises. Even when you can’t see them and don’t feel them, you still have wings. :)

At this very moment in my house…

My 9 and 12 year old children are playing with their 2 year old niece (my granddaughter). It’s 2:03 am the night before Thanksgiving, and there’s a lot of love and joy to keep us going all night. So much to be thankful for…

Homeless Heretic

I've recently realized I am a homeless heretic. I don't fit in. More specifically, as the dictionary defines me, I am “a professed believer who maintains religious opinions contrary to those accepted by [my] church [and] rejects doctrines prescribed by that church.” A heretic is also “anyone who does not conform to an established attitude, doctrine, or principle.” Unfortunately for those people in my life who are deeply rooted in and committed to the religious opinions, attitudes, doctrines and principles which I question or reject, I am not just a heretic, but an outsider. It’s inherent to their worldview.

Christianity is interesting that way. The mantra “hate the sin; love the sinner” sounds good when you're the one doing the hating and the loving. But when you're the sinner (in my case, a sinner who questions much of the doctrine she once embraced that saved her from sin), it feels like a dividing line. If your identity is based upon what you do...and what you do is sin, then the concept of others hating your sin but loving you is chock-full of conflict. As blogger Austin Cline put it: “any time people zealously pursue one idea against another, they run the risk of dropping the distinction between ideas and the people who hold them.”

Since becoming a heretic, when I hear people say they hate the sin but love the sinner, I am keenly aware of the unspoken reality that I fall into the sinner category as a heretic. I have become the one needing to be converted (or re-converted, depending upon whether or not you believe I ever was a *true* believer). If Christians are on God’s team, and being a Christian means embracing everything you are told to embrace, then whose team are you on if you become a heretic?

This is the dilemma I faced recently. In the last several days, three of the people closest to me each engaged in separate, one-on-one conversations with me about Christianity, bringing to light a growing divergence between our positions.  It started with my dad late last week when he asked me how my spiritual life was. I responded with one word: “Curious.” Though caught off guard by his question, my response was a thoughtful and well-considered one. Having recently listened to Seth Godin’s audio book Tribes, my mind quickly referred back to a section in his book about curious people – a passage that spoke to me when I heard it, specifically addressing the metamorphosis I have experienced in recent years. Seth said:

A fundamentalist is a person who considers whether a fact is acceptable to his religion before he explores it, as opposed to a curious person who explores first and then considers whether or not he wants to accept the ramifications. A curious person embraces the tension between his religion and something new, wrestles with it and through it, and then decides whether to embrace the new idea or reject it. Curious is the key word…it has to do with the desire to understand…It’s easy to underestimate how difficult it is for someone to become curious…Once recognized, the quiet, yet persistent voice of curiosity doesn’t go away…ever. And perhaps, it’s such curiosity that will lead us to distinguish our own greatness from the mediocrity that stares us in the face. What we’re seeing is that fundamentalism really has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with your outlook, regardless of what your religion is.

I was a fundamentalist (religiously) for many years. Now I am curious (spiritually). Being curious led me down the path that Seth Godin describes. Being curious made me a heretic. This last weekend I actually wished I could go back to the safe (but intellectually dishonest) framework of a fundamentalist. It seems life would be so much easier. I don't want to be a heretic. It's a very lonely place where heretics are discouraged. At the same time, I have no choice. There's no going back once you start questioning. Though many would argue I chose it, I can see now that it was only a matter of time before my curiosity overcame my fundamentalism. I am a curious person, and I would never have lasted long-term conforming without questioning. So now, I question.

I have questions that remain unanswered and doctrine I reject; therefore I can not tell the people in my life what they want to hear…or at least not do so and be honest. Instead, I must confess, I am a heretic. A heretic who believes in God, loves God and feels God’s love right back. Beyond that, I remain curious. And I’m ok with that. The question is, can everyone else live with that?

Photo credit: *jude*

The Heart of a Father

It's pure coincidence that on the weekend of our 16th wedding anniversary I was inspired to write about my husband. For the last six weeks, my husband has been doing this Body for Life program, working out every day before work and every Saturday when he awakes.  He is dedicated (I mean enthusiastically motivated!) to going to the gym six days a week, taking Sunday off.  This Saturday, with plans to go out of town with me for the night and then back out of town all week on business, my husband decided to skip his routine of going to the gym - the one activity of his day that he does for HIM...that he LOVES doing.  Why?  So that he could spend time with our children.

He got all four children up, dressed, hair done, teeth brushed, shoes on and out the door before I ever woke up.  Out on the town for hours, he took them to breakfast at Waffle House, went to the cleaners, went to Big Lots, and then traveled downtown somewhere to buy fresh fish.  I didn't ask him to take the children, and they didn't ask him to go.  He took the initiative.  He WANTED to be with the children.  Knowing the next seven days he would be absent, it was a priority for him to devote time to being with the children.  It was more important for him to spend time with his children than it was for him to do the one thing he looks forward to every day.

I've been thinking a lot about this.  I thought about how I probably wouldn't have done the same thing he did.  (Or if I did, it would have been out of duty or obligation.)  I thought about how rare he is as a father.  I thought about how most fathers would probably be more like me (choose to workout as planned, justifying the choice because it's the one thing I do for me).  I thought about the heart of this man and how he has consistently proven by the choices he has made for the past sixteen years that his family means everything to him.  I thought about how fortunate our children are to have him as their father, and how thankful I am that he is the man he is.

We Interrupt This Multitasking for.............. Alayah's Prayer

Tonight my seven year old daughter prayed.  Wednesdays and Sundays are her days of the week to pray.  The nightly ritual for us is to gather the children in our bedroom, and one of them prays for the whole group - each with assigned days.  This is a tradition we've been doing for years, despite my own personal spiritual journey that has often muted my prayers.  But the children pray.  The tradition is well-established.

As I listened to Alayah pray tonight, I thought about her world.

"Thank you that I get to go to two parties this week - the popcorn party and Jayla's birthday party.  Thank you that we got to watch Witch Mountain today.  And please help me spend more time with mommy and daddy.  And please help me to not be sick anymore."

I was gone for the last two days at a conference in Atlanta (BlogWell).  My mind has been on everything I need to do OTHER than spend time with Alayah.  As she prayed, I realized that the time I thought I HAD been spending with her today didn't produce the results of really spending time with her.  I had heard her talk about earning points for her good behavior in school to attend this coveted popcorn party on Friday, and I had observed her laying on my bed next to me, reading and re-reading the invitation to Jayla's birthday party
and then calling her friend and talking incessantly about both parties - all while I was working on the computer.  My body was with her, but my mind was not.  I was multitasking.

The thing about multitasking is that something is always the primary focus, while everything else is not.  As I listened to Alayah pray, it hit me: even though I had observed and heard these things that were the highlights of the week for her, I hadn't processed these things.  The file was downloaded but never opened.  I didn't stop what I was doing and think about what it was like to be her.  I just kept on typing or clicking on my computer as my daughter was revealing in front of my eyes the thrill and excitement of what was to come in her little world in just two more days.

Tonight, with a mind full of thoughts, stories and insightful material for blog posts, I realized I needed to stop my busy mind from all of the things that have distracted me from the joy that is Alayah (her middle name is actually Joy, and she couldn't have been more appropriately named).  What could be more important than being still and focusing solely on those we cherish most in our lives?  By putting ourselves in the shoes of the people we love, we see the world through their eyes, not ours.  It seems to me, that's one of the most significant ways we show love to each other.  And it seems to me, I don't do it often enough.

Nicholas Sparks, Social Media & Business - It's All About the Atmosphere

My friend, @micahdances, wrote a beautiful post on Facebook about being a true romantic.

Micah's a 22 year old young man who is, indeed, a true romantic.  In his writing, he shares a story about his encounter with Nicholas Sparks and what he learned from the prolific author of some of the most memorable love stories of this century.  In fact, it was this man who wrote The Notebook - probably my favorite movie of all time - a movie I watched with my now twelve year old son recently (and blogged about here) to give my son a glimpse of what true love can look like over the span of a lifetime.

Micah's encounter with Nicholas Sparks, in Micah's words:

I was on a long layover in Atlanta sitting next to a guy reading a newspaper. We ended up talking a little about the weather, about relationships, and about how he had been married for years and what he viewed as the components of successful love. I had no clue that I was talking to the man that many consider to be the most romantic man alive today. One of the things he said has really stuck with me. He told me to really make a woman happy, give of yourself, and create an atmosphere where she wants to give back to you. The more I have thought about this, daydreamed about it, and planned out my own future I have realized that the "atmosphere" he was talking about was the essence of romance.

What stuck with Micah sticks with me:  "To really make a woman happy, give of yourself, and create an atmosphere where she wants to give back to you."

Nicholas Sparks captured more than the essence of romance - he identified the key to happy relationships of every kind.  To make people happy, we must focus not on what we want from them, but on giving, and giving with the focus of creating an atmosphere in which they want to give back.  This concept is far reaching.  Having recently jumped into what feels like a social media movement, I've been absorbing material from people like Mitch Joel, Chris Brogan, Julien Smith, Erik Qualman and Tamar Weinberg.  I've observed a common thread between the words Nicholas Sparks shared with Micah and the message being spread through social media conferences, books, blogs and tweets.  What Sparks conceptualizes for romantic relationships is the very foundation of all successful relationships, including successful business practices: successful marketing, successful customer service, successful sales, successful employment relationships, successful client relationships and so much more.  It's at the heart of long-term, sustainable, mutually-satisfying relationships - both personal and professional, intimate or commercial.

Give of yourself and you will create an atmosphere in which others want to give back. It's not quid pro quo.  It's the atmosphere of giving - an environment in which reciprocation is a natural outflow. The wisdom is universal - applicable to the love of your life or the heart of your business.  .

When Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman

My husband left me for another woman...sort of.  In my first marriage, at the ripe young age of 18, my husband entered into multiple extramarital affairs.  Though he never left me in the sense of "I want a divorce to be with another woman," I certainly FELT left for another woman.  There's no question he did actually leave me, for whatever length of time, to spend time with other women in intimate ways.  He just returned after hours away rather than leaving for good.  [Eventually he did leave for good, but that was in a divorce I initiated.]  The point is, he abandoned his wife for whatever duration for another woman.

Two decades later, I find myself authoring this blog.  And I learn that my analytics report for this blog reveals words and phrases that users enter in a Google search that lead them to my blog.  Someone entered the phrase: "ex husband is moving in with woman he had the affair with."  Ever since I read this in a report, it's been heavy on my mind.  I wished I could find the woman who typed those words.  Since I can't, I'm writing this post.

A few years back, when I was involved in a tight-knit Christian homeschooling group, a friend of mine in this group was having marital problems.  She and her husband were separated, and he was seeking a divorce.  She was confident he was having an affair, and she sought my advice.  Though I was committed to Christian doctrine and Biblical living at that time (my position has since shifted to a more complicated one - future blog material), my advice to her was different from all of the other Christian women in her life.  I told her:

Focus on yourself.  Build yourself up.  Get stronger.  Take action to increase your self-esteem, your self-worth, your sense of feeling valued, desirable and treasured. Take your focus OFF of your husband and your fear of losing him and place it ON to making yourself someone you are proud to be. 

Not too long after that conversation, my friend told me that other women in our group had counseled her to NOT take my advice because I had been divorced.  That hurt.  It hurt me personally for being judged and marginalized like that, but it also hurt me to my heart that this woman would remain in a victimized mindset focused on rejection and betrayal.  Four years later, her ex-husband is remarried, and she remains stagnant and bitter instead of empowered and taking charge of her life.

When this anonymous woman found my blog with those keywords, I wanted to tell her the same things I had told my friend.  It's a heartbreaking tragedy, especially when children are involved.  And I know the Bible says that God hates divorce.  But you know what?  I also believe God hates for us to be weighed down with emotional baggage that handicaps us the rest of our lives.  To the woman who found my blog, I say this:

It is your husband's loss.  Your worth is not based on him.  His choices don't dictate your value.  You have all you need within you to be who you want to be.  Take charge of your life and let go of the past.  Don't let that heartbreak destroy who you are and who you are becoming.  Learn from this pain.  Grow from it.  Be stronger because of it.  And you just keep moving forward on your journey of becoming all you ever hope to be.  You are beautiful.  You are strong.  And you are a treasure worth more than most men deserve.  You love yourself with all of your heart, and you'll find that the men in your future will love you more as a result!


Photo credits:  ichabodcrane   chrisinhaiti