Last week I met someone very special. It was the first time we had ever met, but we connected almost immediately and felt comfortable - better yet, safe - to share openly. Within moments of talking, we shared rather intimate information with each other. One of the things she shared with me about her life prompted her eyes to well up with tears. I instinctively sought to nurture and comfort this new friend - to show her love. At the end of our conversation, she said to me, "I know this sounds crazy, but I love you." I reached out and hugged her tightly and told her, "I love you too."
Later, when I shared this story with a close friend, I encountered the "that's not the norm" perspective, which I understood perfectly. I'm well aware of social protocol. I just don't agree with it. Most people would question why a person who had only known me for thirty minutes would tell me she loves me...and why I would reciprocate the sentiment. I question - WHY NOT?
We all need love. We all have love to give. And yet we have been programmed to approach the word "love" with caution for the many implications that might trail behind it. When this woman I had just met expressed love to me in the statement of "I love you," I saw no difference between that and the expression of love she showed to me in sharing, listening and connecting in such a tender and vulnerable way with me. And vice versa. When I told her I love her too, it was a mere affirmation of the love I had already been showing her in our conversation - an exchange in which we both opened our hearts to one another. We were expressing verbally what existed in action and spirit.
Why is the linguistic expression of love such a touchy matter? I completely disagree with the assertion that it is "too soon" or "too risky" to tell someone you love them. If the words are congruent with the sentiments of the heart and the actions of a person, then it shouldn't be taboo to say it.
I propose a solution. Why don't we establish a universal understanding for these three little words that encompasses the essence of love in a way that provokes no fear or concern of someone "taking it the wrong way." Here's my stab at this definition.When I say "I love you," what I mean is:
- There is love in my heart, and I want to share it with you.
- However I can help or heal, I want to do so for you.
- You are not alone; you are loved.
- In whatever capacity appropriate to our relationship and as much as it is possible for me, I want to meet your need for love.
The story you shared is a pretty amazing bonding experience, and the kind I highly value. And I agree with you that it's good to speak this feeling when we do have it, because it brings a sense of security to what is, as you pointed out, a risky undertaking (sharing at a personal level).
ReplyDeleteIn my experience I have found that the one thing I want to make sure of, in regards to my use of the phrase, is that I truly mean it without reservation in my mind. When I want to say it, I want to do so wholeheartedly, with confidence - so that I can give the other person an honest confident belief in their receipt of this love. In other words, I do not want to use it without care. But I have found that when I do want to say it, it comes out easily because I just know that it's right.
Tory,
ReplyDeleteSo well said. I hold the same position, not just about saying "I love you" but about everything I say. It has to be real, sincere - authentic. I absolutely agree with you. Of the hundreds of people surrounding me on the day I reference in this post, there was only one person I said "I love you" to. And when I did, it came out easily, naturally and most definitely - it was right. :)
Because people interpret "I love you" in different ways, I wanted to propose a definition - at least to the people who are on the receiving end of MY "I love you's" to know what I mean when I say it and to understand the sincerity behind the words when I say it. By my definition, it's more about what's in my heart for humanity combined with a particular focus on someone with whom I have connected in some way.
In other words, I, too, believe that when I say I love someone, it should only be when it is an honest extension of what's in my heart.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts; they are an eloquent extension of my post. :)
P.S. You have prompted me to reflect on the last lines of my post. I'm now rewording it to better express what I intended to articulate there. Thanks for the thoughtful comments that encourage and provoke thought!
Hey. I'm here bc I found ur blog post on Twitter about your dad and then found this post. I'm not sure how we connected except maybe u found me on Twitter. I see we're both in Tenn. Anyways, I could not agree more w/ what ur saying here. What bothers me most & actually hurts my heart is that someone said 2 you that was not normal and what this seems to indicate (my judgment) about her heart. I'm sad and sorry for her. I totally get where the woman was coming from and how you responded to her. We have those moments when we connect and sometimes we do feel instant love for a stranger. And ideally that's what we are all seeking. (Ha!) To be more open and about LOVE in our hearts....Sorry, didn't mean this to be a diatribe about your other friend. That's not very loving. I love your blog subhead. I've also been there! Life is Good. And so very, very rich. Namaste,
ReplyDeleteHi Leisa,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you did find my blog. I may have found you through @billsimmers on Twitter. If I found you and you're in TN, that's probably how I did. (Most everyone in TN I've found on Twitter came through him.) Anyway, I'm glad it led you to read the blog and comment.
Please don't feel bothered by the friend who made the comment to me about this situation. That friend (who is male, btw) was just making a comment that would be the typical response from someone who was not there to experience the exchange between this woman and me. I wasn't offended at all. I completely understood. I could chalk it up to him being a man and less sensitive, but he's actually pretty sensitive. It's just an uncommon thing and a common response to something uncommon.
We are absolutely in tune about being open about and sharing love in our hearts. I love it...and I love your expressive, passionate heart! We need more people like you standing up and saying it's wrong to judge people for being loving to each other. (But in this case, I sensed no judgment or negativity, just an expected response to something outside of the norm, having not been there to see the exchange in person.)
Btw, this woman and I are remaining engaged and connected and intend to sustain a meaningful friendship beyond that encounter. It was destiny for us to meet that night. :)
Namaste tambien, hermana
Allison